i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize