Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
