I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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