i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I wish you could order shots online.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
