If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
How external is "for external use only"?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Randomize