I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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