Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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