The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize