cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
