6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
