he told me I talked like a deaf person
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
