I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
