Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
