guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
