i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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