You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Such a big mess for such a small penis
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
