Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
