He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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