Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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