my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
