I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
