just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
