well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Randomize
