just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
