he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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