also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
