I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
