I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
