in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
