So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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