Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
