Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
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