They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
