so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
