whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
