soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
