I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
im having a threesome with these popsicles
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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