I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
