some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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