I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
