you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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