If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I have tasted many bathrooms
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
