She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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