I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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