Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Randomize
