Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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