1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
worst night to have a conscience
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
