I just threw up on my dentist
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
