I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
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