Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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