Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
