God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
