Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
