I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
