Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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