I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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