We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
