Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize