it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
